Guldy

His Excellency Guldy
Guldy after gaining rule
President of Haiti
In office June 11, 1877 – June 22, 1877
Personal details
Relations	Pierre I (older brother) Pierre II (older brother) Pierre III (older brother) Pierre IV (older brother) Pierre V (older brother) Pierre VI (quadruplet brother) Pierre VII (quadruplet brother) Pierre VIII (younger brother) Pierre IX (younger brother) Marie I (older sister) Marie II (older sister) Marie III (quadruplet sister) Marie IV (younger sister) Marie V (younger sister) Anne, daughter of The Chief (lover)
Signature
As of 1877, he signs his signature as the entire map of Haiti

Guldy Garret Shrimbledip Dipsack Sumblewhick Nunchickle Richard Lubber, better known simply by his first name of Guldy, was the shortest-reigning President of Haiti who ruled the country with an iron first for eleven days. He was deposed in the Fish Strike, and caused irreparable damage to the country. Information about him is sparse, and he appears to have been erased from history. But this article has got you covered.

Early life

Guldy was born as a quadruplet birth in the town of Guldy Garret, which he was named after. Born to a rich French Haitian sugar farming family, his ancestors survived the Haitian Revolution by pretending to be doctors and re-established their sugar empire afterwards. His mother struggled to give birth to all four children, of which Guldy was the oldest. His quadruplet siblings were Pierre VI, Pierre VII, and Marie III. Born into a family of 9 Pierres and 5 Maries, his name being Guldy was very strange.

In total, he had 14 siblings, who all acted very French. However, Guldy would often sneak out of the mansion at night to dance with the voodoo people. He hated Frenchness and referred to it as a 'degrading mockery of manliness and strength, designed to turn us all into weak bread-eating lovers.' He also never held an umbrella whenever he went outside, and was sunburned often. His parents often threw tomatoes at him for this.

His siblings were all referred to by their number instead of their names, and Guldy commonly heard things like "Three! Get over here!" and "Six! Stop biting Eleven!". His siblings envied him because he was always called by his real name since it was the only unique one. He was also able to negotiate with the local Haitians unlike anyone else in his family was because he attended their voodoo rituals.

Guldy's family often excluded him from everything. His parents beat him when he did something unfrench, and his siblings had no mercy towards him, and would never let him in on everything. Secrets stayed between either the Pierres or the Maries, and Guldy was neither. Because of this, he developed a very self-loathing and meek personality which slowly disappeared as his pork addiction began. He ate so much pork that he began to develop the personality of a wild boar, and eventually struck fear into his family like they struck into him.

Guldy was 'not like the other boys' and 'a special kid' who would often carve voodoo symbols into the wall and dance all the time. He ate 'far too much pork' and often forced his siblings to eat unnatural amounts of it. One time, according to tradition, he damaged his quadruplet brother Pierre VII's throat by shoving pork straight into it, and force-fed two of his sisters (Marie III and IV, specifically) so much pork that the latter suffered lifelong gastrointestinal problems and spontaneous bowel movements because of the intestinal damage he caused. His body, however, was unaffected by the pork. He tried to force-feed his parents pork, but he was often spanked.

Career as a tribal chief

When he was eleven years old and attending the voodoo rituals, he began to develop a close friendship with the daughter of a man known only as The Chief, who ruled the village outside of Guldy Garret known as Le Jardin. The Chief was one of the last natives in Haiti, and was widely respected throughout his tribe as the greatest leader to ever live since The Old Chief. It was said that he was an illegitimate descendant of powerful Big Sugarcane kingpin Big Rodney. He was a brutal man who also somehow knew Spanish, and often spent his time raiding villages and farms like Guldy's own. When Guldy met The Chief's daugher, Anne, daughter of The Chief, he promised to spare his farm from his robberies.

Guldy, with age, began to fall in love with Anne, daughter of The Chief, and was especially intrigued by the fact that she knew how to read and she knew what 4+8 was, a question that had previously gone unanswered in Haiti. Some have claimed that she, with her extreme and never before seen intelligence, seduced him so that she could exert power by making him the new chief. They were unofficially married in a voodoo ceremony where they roasted a pig together. The Chief had given them his blessing, and invited Guldy to stay in his village and live a life off the land. Guldy, dissatisfied with the French life, decided to abandon his farm forever, and live with The Chief.

Guldy and Anne, daughter of The Chief lived very well for the first few years of their child marriage. They did things like give each other leaves to eat and hold hands to prove to the other village children that they were truly in love. However, a tick put a swift end to The Chief on one of his raiding expeditions, and he assigned Guldy as his successor because he had no sons. Guldy tried to refuse the position, believing he was not ready, but eventually accepted it after Anne, daughter of nobody, begged him 'for eight consecutive sunrises'. Once he became the chief, however, he enjoyed the role and never took it back. He became known as 'White Donkey' and 'Gwo Defisi Gra' among his people.

Guldy swore to continue his predecessor's raiding career, much to the village men's delight. They would 'eat pig and plunder' until their hearts were content. He had become, according to his close friend, Louis, a 'typical Haitian warlord' with 'nothing splitting him from Dessalines'. He forgot the French language and learned to speak Haitian Creole alone. One night, he sent a batch of goons to his own family's farm, wishing to take revenge on them for forcing him to be French. He led the goons through the woods in the middle of the night, and successfully broke into the house, but was fought off by his 14 siblings who outnumbered him and killed one goon by mobbing.

The defeat was a far cry from The Chief's raids, and the people were angry. Humiliated to have lost to Frenches, Guldy promised that, like his hero, Simon Bolivar, justice would be delivered in ten days. Reportedly, Anne, daughter of The Chief, had told him that she would divorce him if he lost again. Motivated, he raised up the largest raiding party the village had ever seen - a record 33 men had volunteered to go on the next expedition, only slightly short of the Anti-French Brigade raised during the revolution by The Old Chief, which had 45 men.

Guldy's next expedition was successful and he drove his family from Haiti all the way to New Orleans, aside from three of his siblings, Pierre III, Pierre V, and Marie III, who he took as war captives who worked as slaves for the rest of their days. Haitian soldiers eventually arrived at the village and told him to end his slaveholding activity or face consequences. Guldy offered the soldiers pork, however, and they joined his raiding force. Guldy had soon become known to have a charismatic ability due to his voodoo activities, which he shared with Anne, daughter of The Chief. The two both were able to attract large amounts of people to the village.

When Guldy was 23, however, his life would change forever. The Haitian President at the time, Jean-Jean-Jean-Jean-Jean-Claude Renault III, of the Bald Headed Party, invaded the village under the pretense that Guldy was causing 'mischief in the land'. Guldy was arrested on charges of banditry and enslavement, and his family's farm was rebuilt and ensured protection by the government who did not want to lose their business.

Imprisonment and military career

Guldy was locked in the Centre Maison, Port-au-Prince, where he got his first experience of the city. He described it as a 'cesspit of death, which smelled of roaches and had the ugliest folk a man could lay his eyes upon'. He commonly spent his time doing forced labor, carrying boxes to the beach and cleaning up the other cells. He was held as Prisoner No. 1 for his exploits during his chief career.

Anne, daughter of The Chief, was not arrested, and was deemed to only be an associate of Guldy but not an accomplice to his crimes. Today it is still up to debate whether or not she seduced the soldiers. She, being one of the only people who remained of the village's tribal leadership, encouraged the civilians to break Guldy out of prison. They tried three times, but were thwarted because they had forks and the Haitians had shotguns.

During his time in prison, Guldy gained the nickname of 'Oilyfeet' because of the large concentration of foot fungus. He was a prison beater and during his time in jail was feared and known to be a merciless opponent. Feeling that he had lost his way in life after his deposition as tribe leader, he became a very violent and warlike man. President Renault eventually took notice of this, and ordered that he be given military training. Guldy bowed down before Renault and promised he would not commit crimes again if he was given a second chance in the military.

Military

Guldy respected Renault for giving him the chance to work in the military, and made sure to follow all the orders he was given. He would do exactly as his supervisors said and, with his previous experience in raiding parties, he was very quick to learn military strategy which he, for the most part, already learned in the village. During his training, he was moved to a special training area for the country's best which was located not too far from Guldy Garret. He was very compelled to run and make contact with his tribe again, but refused, on the basis that he had made a promise to the President. With the President's death in 1856, however, Guldy believed that all promises were now null and void, and he had the full right to find his people.

Guldy escaped in the middle of the night and went completely unnoticed - much due to the stealth tactics he had learned from The Chief. He went back to the village where he met Anne, daughter of The Chief once again. The reunion had its own voodoo ceremony and many pigs were roasted that night. However, when Guldy said that he was in the military and this was the last time they would see him, the tribe was outraged, and called him a traitor. Anne, daughter of The Chief, told him that she would never look him in the eyes again, and turned around dramatically, forever leaving him, in a fit of tears. Angry, he snuck back into the military camp, abandoning his old life forever.

When he returned, nobody noticed his disappearance, much to his relief. Colonel Arnaud, leader of the garrison, promoted him to lance corporal, and called him his 'best maggot'. A prolific soldier, he shot through the ranks and eventually became a colonel himself. He traveled across Haiti, giving speeches to soldiers to be. Guldy participated in several battles against French invasion forces, oversaw construction projects, cracked down on local bandit activity and brought about an era of peace known as the Pax Guldium. Guldy's name and face were popular all across the country and he was known as 'The Good Frenchman' and 'Hero of the People'. His fighting ability was also praised, and he was a very valuable asset to the country.

Eventually, however, his military career would abruptly end. His family, who had taken back their property in Haiti with the government offer, upon finding out that their worst son had received such a high position, were completely furious and refused to stay in the country if he remained. The government, scared to lose one of their biggest sugar producer, scrambled to come up with a solution. In a compromise, they said they would keep Guldy in the country, but due to his ability to travel long distances by foot the government was unwilling to get rid of him and instead assigned him a lowly post as a census and tax collector - something which immediately disgusted him.

Runaway and political career

Guldy's disdain for his new post was evident, and he had felt like he was cheated by the government who removed his military position. He immediately resigned, and despite the Haitian president begging him for three consecutive days straight without sleeping, eating or drinking, he never returned to his tax job or the military. The government was devastated and immediately changed their opinion on Guldy's family who got them in the situation. Guldy tearfully returned to his tribe, now 30 years old and afraid he would not be forgiven.

The tribe kind surrounded him and demanded he explain his presence. Guldy explained what the government had done to him and begged that he be allowed back into the tribe. He pressed hot metal to every one of his limbs without screaming in order to gain their forgiveness, and was let back into the tribe under the condition he would be forced to watch somebody else eat pork and he would not be allowed to have any.

Anne, daughter of The Chief, initially did not forgive him. She continued to not look at him, and cried seven and a half times. However, Guldy persisted, and started telling her stories about how when they were children they would eat pig watching the waves, which made her finish her eighth cry and swear her love to him again. Guldy went out into the village with her and screamed, in his most famous speech:

I HAVE COME TO BE YOUR CHIEF!

Everyone cheered for the return to the old ways. Guldy had been regarded widely as the best chief since The Chief. His family was terrified once they found out he had become the chief again, and regretted removing his military position and letting him return to a brutal state. However, it was too late. Guldy organized another raiding party and in the dead of night he drove his family out of Haiti forever. Two Maries and one Pierre were also taken captive, and there were a total of three Maries and three Pierres that were enslaved by Guldy during his tribal career.

Tribal reforms

Guldy's second reign as chief brought a new era to the village. Using the experience he learned in the military, he modernized the village, collaborated with the government to build a post office, and learned how to farm corn as a new food source. He also built a pig ranch, and cared for the pigs for the rest of his life. He also built tribal schools for the children of the village, the only ones which educated children in the Taino language. He ensured that the Roman Catholics and the voodoo folk of the village coexisted in harmony, and eventually was said to be even greater than The Chief.

Guldy's life changed forever when one of the villagers told him that he should attempt to become the President. He had never thought of such a concept, but it was now in his mind, and he gave a speech to his people the next morning. He spoke in Taino, a language which he had become fluent in, and declared that the end was near for the current Haitian government which had removed him for his post. Guldy rallied a group of his followers, including Anne, daughter of The Chief, who had changed her title to Anne, wife of His Excellency, Guldy.

The Party

Guldy and his group traveled across the country and organized a rogue political party called the 'Red Path' and promised a great new land. The party could be described as proto-communist, and described a society where healthcare was free and people lived in bricks. Eventually, the party recruited a man called Arnold Williben, a British man from Liverpool who had gone to Haiti to write his book I Went To Haiti. This is How I Peed. Williben immediately discontinued his book to join the cause, stating that his book was meant to spread the same message, but acknowledged that Guldy did it better. Williben proved a valuable asset as he was able to gain British support of the party.

Eventually, the Haitian government became aware of the party and its deviant political views. The reigning President ordered an attack against the village, which was burned down while Guldy was away. This attack simply gave Guldy more legitimacy, and angered the population, however. By 1874, around 66% of the countryside was in support of the party and out of that number 39% was involved directly in it. Open rebellion was declared, and the Haitians, completely bamboozled and terrified of the developing disaster, attempted to assassinate Guldy, however, he walked straight into the presidential palace, with the guards cheering him on as he came in and saying that the old president 'drank wine and stank up the joint'. Knowing Guldy's anti-French ways, they knew that he would not wine up the building.

Eleven-day presidency

Guldy's presidency was not recognized by the rest of the world.