Anglo-Norman language

P.H.D Time's Ugliest Man Alive (1899, 1900, 1901, 1903, 1906, 1916, 1917) His Majesty His Jinky-Winky His Voivodeship His Legendary Feet His Greasiness His Fragrance His Grace His Excellency King of Scotland Imam (self-proclaimed) His Kingliness Anglo-Norman Language Chickler
Actual picture, 2016
Native name	एंग्लो-नॉर्मन लैंगुगागागे
Baptised	1679
Died	2044 America, USA
Cause of death	Assassination
Body discovered	In le sewer
Burial place	Iran Dad's backyard
Monuments	The Great Man, statue in Angola
Alma mater	Chuck Johnson University
Occupation	Being the worst/best man in the world
Years active	Always
Known for	Ruling the world (two months in 2033) Dying Being your dad's least favorite man Getting 0 girls Getting all the girls His Russian slave Bulgor Bizzanovungofugivich's dance

Anglo-Norman Language, (full name: Anglo-Norman Johnson Manuel Jose Jean Petrov Languageson Language) better known as Jean Philippe Toussaint, Jim Bunks, Jay Rogger, Mike Fins, Clubby Pengs, Mickey M., Dave Optkins, Ali bin Ali bin Ali bin Ali bin Ali bin Zubulhazwaziz bin Altmukh bin Loser bin Kid bin Dingledoor bin James al-Shawarma, and most commonly Ben Footsack, was a colonial American vagrant, lifestyle coach, controversial podcast host, politician, self-declared Thirteenth Twelver Imam, and 'personalist loser' born in what is now Indiana. He was at his ugliest from 1899-1917, and lived from 1677-2044. Though becoming both uglier and more attractive over time, he never aged from when he was 23 years old. Since he died of assassination, it is assumed he was immortal and would never have naturally died.

Life

Property of the church

Language was born sometime in March. He was born in the outskirts of the Thirteen Colonies in what would become Indiana as the son of a British peasant woman and an Indian fur trader. Both abandoned him after being greeted by a baby boy who was cold and blue. They assumed he would die, and, taking note from the Book of Exodus, placed him in a basket and sent him down the Mississippi River. Eventually, the basket floated to Saint-Domingue (later Haiti).

He was found by a priest, whose name was Rodney de Portauprince. He was a strictly religious man, and donated the newly-found baby to the church as a slave, who gladly took him in. He spent the early portion of his life cleaning out church gutters, toilets, pews, and altars. Eventually, during one of his forced bible readings, he declared that John the Baptist was his hero in life, and he would strive to be like him. John the Baptist would later become what Language declared the 'first hero', of which he had many.

John eventually became bored with his life. He got no satisfaction from his life as a church slave and believed that his life was going to end with no meaning. He also found the priests and bishops 'particularly scary' and always found himself closer to the 'voodoo people' and 'the boys'. As such, he raised up an army of fellow altar boys and organ blowers and workers in the field and organized the Great 1690 Haitian Slave Revolt, a precursor to the Haitian Revolution. Rodney de Portauprince was overthrown, and Language ran into the woods, where he lived in an escaped slave settlement.

Slave settlement

Language's time in the settlement was very long and painful. Regularly, the inhabitants would have to scour the land just to survive, and wealthy land owners offered them no assistance even when the escaped slaves vowed to fight for them. As such, Language began to truly hate his life.

One day, in a state of delusion due to hunger, he was wandering through the woods when he found thirteen Poles. He immediately fell in love with one of them and got on his knees, calling out into the sky "IS THIS THE GIRL?" to which the sky turned orange and a voice told him "No. Not until you make the Migration. And to migrate, you must turn Hindu". The exchange did, in fact, turn Language Hindu, and he grabbed a boat to go to India in search of his love.

He was beached on the coast of Nigeria for fifteen days until a hairy man found him and nursed him back to health. There, he was told of Jog Shipper, who escorted him to India. By the age of fifteen, he had made it to India, and circumnavigated the entire subcontinent forty-five times. Unfortunately, he never found his love, and he called out to the voice again. When the sky turned orange this time, Language was told that she had been dissolved because Language did not come to India quick enough. The experience brought Language to tears, and he swore that he would be a better Hindu.

Running off for the Hindus, first meeting with Ali bin Ali

Language searched for a guru to teach him the ways of Hinduism and yoga. Eventually, he came across a man named Iskander Karnaktaputra, a man famed for his studies of the Vedas. He was taken in to a monastery and donned the orange robes, but was eventually removed after breaking his chastity with a random woman that he believed to be the one who was revealed to him. Kicked out onto the street, he was completely lost, and did not come any closer to the new life he desired.

He ran north, hoping that he could salvage what he had left of himself, when he met a mysterious Iranian man named Ali bin Ali. He claimed to be the Rashidun Caliph Ali, who, according to the Shias, was the successor of Muhammad. bin Ali, however, was lying, and was simply a madman. Nonetheless, Language bowed down to him 45 times, once for each time he had circumnavigated India, and asked bin Ali to bring him to the true faith. bin Ali agreed, and started telling him to 'abstain from pork and shrimp, and never sip the wine. Bow to me, don't be a wimp, and you shall be fine.'

The quote was forever used by Language, who said it to his own followers later on. He spent a long time as Ali bin Ali's adopted son, and lived inside his adobe hut on the edge of the desert. Over time, he gained his trust and eventually recruited people into bin Ali's cult. Eventually, bin Ali declared himself a prophet, and everyone believed his every word.

Discovery of Greenland

Language claimed to have discovered Greenland in the late 1600s, despite its well-documented presence on maps for centuries. Sailing in a homemade canoe crafted from cactus skin and sealed with moose glue, he stumbled upon the icy island and proclaimed it “Langujia.” Declaring himself Duke of Greenlandia, he attempted to teach the Inuit Latin, interpretive dance, and the rules of hopscotch.

Though the Inuit were cordial, they offered him a seal and encouraged him to leave. Language misinterpreted this as a ceremonial knighthood, further boosting his delusions of grandeur.

Ashman the Evil grants him abilities

While in the fjords of Greenland, Language encountered a cloaked sorcerer known as Ashman the Evil—a powerful, peanut-allergic mystic with a flair for slam poetry. Ashman, recognizing Language's unmatched delusion, granted him three forbidden gifts:

• The inability to sleep, only to nap indefinitely.
• The power to insult anyone in seven words or fewer.
• A magical finger that caused goats to faint when pointed.

Language accepted gleefully, but accidentally used the goat-fainting finger on Ashman, who turned into a tree out of embarrassment.

Peanut butter Incident

In 1704, Language attempted to impress a Moroccan crowd by juggling condiments. Including peanut butter—despite Ashman’s curse—triggered a magical explosion that coated a local bazaar in sticky goo. Language was chased by 42 merchants, three goats, and a rabid mime.

The incident was covered internationally under the headline: “American Demigod Glues Fez to King’s Head.”

Prelude

Before rising to global infamy, Language lived a chaotic and largely aimless life, marked by surreal adventures, absurd beliefs, and frequent social misunderstandings. These events would shape his later philosophy, style, and complete detachment from reality.

Beaten up by William Wheatboy's Sister

Language's adolescence was marked by a rivalry with William Wheatboy, a wrestler and renowned baker. However, it was William’s sister, Margaret Wheatgirl, who famously defeated Language in public combat after he mocked her sourdough starter. She suplexed him into a haystack and declared:

“No one mocks my yeast and lives.”

This humiliation gave Language a lifelong fear of carbohydrates.

Gaining manhood

According to his own accounts, Language became a man at age 92, after arm-wrestling a tree and losing with honor. This event is commemorated by his followers every third Wednesday of February, known as Men’s Day, where celebrants wear bathrobes and insult their uncles.

Career as dictator

In 2033, amid global calendar confusion, Language accidentally seized power in nine countries, including Liechtenstein, Djibouti, and temporarily, Kansas.

During his brief two-month reign, he enacted several controversial policies:

• Mondays were outlawed
• All official documents were required to rhyme
• A chicken named Waddles was appointed Minister of Foreign Affairs

After it was discovered that no official had actually appointed him, he was removed from power and compensated with a bag of gummy bears.

The podcast

Language later hosted a podcast titled “Ugly Truths with Ben Footsack”, featuring conspiracy theories, angry rants, and interviews with King Melonhelm, his imaginary friend.

Despite having no listeners, the show was accidentally uploaded to NASA’s Voyager deep-space archive. The episode titled “The Moon is a Lizard: Proof in My Left Shoe” is currently en route to the Andromeda galaxy.

Arrest and trial

In 2042, Language was arrested for attempting to tax the sun. During his trial at the International Court of Unreasonable Claims in The Hague, he defended himself by reciting pie recipes and staring directly at the judge for seven uninterrupted hours.

He was sentenced to community service, which he fulfilled by inventing new languages for ants. No ant colony has yet acknowledged these efforts.

Final teachings

In his final years, Language lived atop a rotating houseboat on wheels, powered by motivational quotes and regret. He published a final work titled Benign Revelations, composed entirely of blank pages and one scribbled line that read:

“The answer was in your left sock all along.”

His final public appearance involved riding a unicycle into a storm cloud while singing a duet with a taxidermied goat named Patricia. Spectators described it as “deeply confusing, but oddly inspirational.

Death

Language died in 2044 when a rogue dishwasher fell on him as he was composing a love sonnet to his left toe. His body was discovered in le sewer, surrounded by a rubber duck, a 1973 McDonald’s receipt, and a note that read:

“Tell Ashman he still owes me salsa.”

His remains were buried in his dad’s backyard in Iran, although no record confirms which dad or which Iran. A statue of him, titled “The Great Man”, stands in Angola, regularly visited by pigeons and amateur philosophers.

Legacy

Despite his chaotic life, confused teachings, and complete disregard for geography, Language left an indelible mark on those who came into contact with him—or thought they did.

His followers, known as the Footsackians, continue to practice his unique blend of misremembered Hinduism, interpretive muttering, and excessive kneeling. The group holds annual gatherings in abandoned parking lots where they chant his favorite phrases, such as:

"Bow to me, don’t be a wimp."

"Spoons are just small, flat shovels."

"Mondays are a colonial construct."

Academic interest in Language surged in the late 21st century. Entire university departments debated whether he was a brilliant satirist, a misunderstood prophet, or just a guy who got hit on the head too many times with sourdough loaves.

Commemorations

• The statue The Great Man in Angola remains a popular tourist attraction and pigeon nesting site.
• Chuck Johnson University offers a minor in "Footsack Studies", combining history, nonsense linguistics, and advanced delusion theory.
• NASA officially disavowed the inclusion of his podcast in the Voyager archive, calling it a “clerical error of cosmic proportions.”
• A proposed theme park, Footsackland, was canceled after the mascots began unionizing.

His impact continues to ripple through bad history podcasts, conspiracy zines, and the occasional bathroom stall graffiti that reads: "Ben Footsack lives."

Rise of the footsackian Order

Following his brief reign as a dictator, Language began to fashion himself as a philosopher-prophet. Gathering a band of misfits, interns, jugglers, and escaped podcast guests, he founded the Footsackian Order—a belief system described as "aggressively incoherent" by the United Nations.

The movement was based around five sacred tenets:

1. All socks must be mismatched.
2. Bread is to be feared but respected.
3. Mondays do not exist and never have.
4. The left elbow is the source of human sin.
5. Ben Footsack is always watching.

Members practiced daily cartwheels, recited verse in reverse, and meditated by screaming into jars. The group’s headquarters, an abandoned seafood buffet in Nebraska, was declared a sovereign micronation for 36 minutes in 2037.

Personal relationships

Language's romantic life was, in his words, “a dance between destiny and disaster.” He claimed to have fallen in love with:

• A cloud he mistook for a woman.
• A woman he mistook for a cloud.
• A sentient pumpkin named Deborah.
• Himself (at age 23, and again at age 91).

Despite countless proclamations of marriage (some mutual, most not), Language remained legally single. However, his 2041 autobiography, Footsack: A Love Letter to Yogurt and Failure, claimed he was married “spiritually” to the concept of static electricity.

Disputes with the scientific community

Language’s claims of discovering new laws of physics—such as "quantum flatulence" and "emotional gravity"—sparked heated backlash from scientists. He published over 500 manifestos challenging the existence of atoms, seasons, and ducks.

In one televised debate with physicist Dr. Leona McQuark, Language interrupted her lecture by yelling:

“Your science cannot explain why my beard grows sideways!”

Following the event, several universities banned his image from PowerPoint slides, fearing spontaneous nonsense generation.