German Story (2015 film)
| German Story | |
|---|---|
| Produced by | Bort Brinker |
| Written by | Bort Brinker |
| Music by | the folks at Bolivar |
| Cinematograpy by | Bort Brinker |
| Edited by | the folks at Bolivar |
| Starring | Bort Brinker Punker Davis |
| Tagline | "The Most Exciting Story Of In The Your Life!" |
German Story, also marketed as There's Communists Outside And I Can't Even Run! was a 200-dollar budget English-language German film produced by the East Berlin homeless man Bort Brinker with the funds he had collected over 5 years of begging.
The movie, despite being absolutely terrible, attracted attention due to its horror, causing Bort to shortly amass a fortune and get off the streets. To this day, Bort is considered one of the biggest success stories of all time.
To this day, it is considered the worst movie of all time, scoring a 0 on Rotten Tomatoes, with absolutely no critics giving it a positive review. Its plot incoherence and embarrassingly awkward dialogue caused this rating. The 7th scene of the movie, Boy Meets Girl In The Abandoned Warehouse Factory, has been rated the worst scene of all time. Overall, the movie was considered worse than Somebody Stole My Mojo!
Cast
[edit]Bort Brinker as Communist Minister, Old Man, Civilian 1, Civilian 2, Civilian 3, Civilian 4, Civilian 5, Dog 1, Dog 2, Hippo 1, Weightlifter 1, Guy In The Pool With Big Abs, Convenience Store Clerk, Homeless Man, Jew 1, Jew 2, Muslim 1
AI-generated Jerry Seinfeld as Egon Krenz, the dictator of East Germany who was known for his eccentric personality cult and friendship with Putin.
Punker Davis as Boy (later Man), a plucky, incompetent young man who fails at everything he does who obeys absolutely no laws and is seen committing several crimes throughout the movie.
Moldy Mike as Moist, the Jew-turned-Samaritan who overthrew Egon Krenz
John Mango as John Mango, an infamous mojo stealer (cameo)
Pig A09987 as Pig Hurley, a powerful pig with a human mind and a feared criminal
Homeless girl fresh off the street as Girl, a fearful, traumatized orphan who watched her brother get dismembered by Americans and Boy's harassment victim and future wife
Homeless boy fresh off the street as Ernst, Boy and Girl's son.
Another homeless girl fresh off the street as Mary, Boy and Girl's daughter.
A potato as Vladimir Putin
A bag of doritos as Donald Trump
Plot
[edit]The movie starts abruptly with a man screaming 'the war has started' and shows a scene of ensuing chaos, with three actors running around the set dressed as average civilians. Boy appears out of nowhere and runs into an apartment, meeting Old Man, a former Nazi and an avid TV watcher. Upon finding out that a war has started, Old Man (Bort Brinker) puts on his SS uniform, scaring Boy away, who steals a car and runs it into a ditch, going flying across the country and landing in a run-down village.
Boy walks into a warehouse where he finds the Communist Minister (also Brinker) setting up a bunker in the warehouse. It is revealed by a giant subtitle labelled 'FACTORY' that the warehouse is supposed to be interpreted as a factory by viewers although a factory could not be rented out due to budget issues. Boy goes to his assigned bunk in the warehouse where he meets Girl and mocks her dead brother, causing her to run away and cry. They later get married at a supermarket.
Eventually, Egon Krenz (a deepfaked Jerry Seinfeld) breaks in to the room and kills Communist Minister, suddenly becoming the ruler of East Germany out of absolutely nowhere. After that, the war with West Germany suddenly somehow miraculously ends and everyone is released from the bunker.
Boy and Girl, days after getting married, have three children - a boy named Ernst, a girl named Mary, and a male pig named Hurley. Hurley beats his siblings and runs to Poland, after which an hour-long sequence of Pig Hurley committing crimes is shown. These scenes were accomplished by releasing a rabid pig to do whatever it wanted in random Polish cities.
After the sequence, Boy and his family are never seen again, rather, several clips are scattered about, including: Egon Krenz and Vladimir Putin building atomic bombs together, a Trump Rally stating that East Germany will be destroyed, and a flood of Mexicans into the United States leading to hundreds of American refugee boats going to China.
Eventually, the plot shifts to a young Jew named Moist who somehow converts a million East Germans to Judaism and takes over the entire country, becoming a Samaritan in the end.